When a Straight Guy Is Raped By Another Guy

NOTE: We are working on posting Paul's new chapter on Rape & Abuse, which is for both women and men. Because it's much longer than the usual column, we are wrestling this weekend with the best way to post it. Be sure to return next week when it should be up!

Most of us believe that rape only happens to women and gay or imprisoned men. We assume that any man who doesn't want to be sexually assaulted is able to defend himself and fend off the attacker. But just because you are a guy doesn't mean you should be able to win a barroom fight, thrash a mugger or fend off a rapist.

Rape is first and foremost about violence, power, sadism and hatred. The rapist didn't choose you because he thought you had a cute butt. He chose you because he thought he could.

When you've got a gun to your head or a knife to your throat, you suddenly have other priorities than saying "Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, you've got it all wrong. I like girls!" Your job is to survive, and even if that means having to go down on the guy, you should do it and not think twice. Think of how many girls have done it for you--and hopefully lived.

In addition to being blindsided with a lethal weapon, a man can be sexually assaulted by a group of men who he doesn't stand a chance against. Sometimes the rape can be the result of blackmail, or being drunk or stoned. The last thing a guy who is drunk is going to be able to protect is his rear end.

Male rape can happen in other ways, as well. Not too long ago, a former National Hockey League Player revealed that he was sexually assaulted by one of his coaches when he was a teen.

Unfortunately, a man who has been raped has fewer options than even a woman who has been raped. Think about it, how many guys are going to find it cathartic to tell their friends they were raped? Sad but true, the chances are good his drinking buds will be doing all they can to keep from giggling.

If you are a guy who has been raped, call a rape crisis center, or even if you are the epitomy of straightness, consider calling a gay men's health center. They tend to be understanding and helpful about sexual violence against men.

One thing that can be really confusing is if you became hard or came when you were raped. The truth is, it is not unusual to have an erection and orgasm when the body is under extreme stress or panic. For instance, plenty of guys who go to the gallows meet their maker with an erection and ejaculate in their pants, and not because they thought it was sexy to have a noose around their neck.

Some rapists are aware that you might get an erection. They will intentionally stroke you to orgasm just to mess with your mind even more. So what's the big deal if you did get hard and came? The important thing is in understanding that you were violently assaulted. We should all have erections and orgasms in such situations. It means you lived to think about it, which is a very good thing.

Also, while you might want to keep it all inside, it could be that the rape has been causing you to deal with others--especially intimate others--in strange ways. What do you have to lose by speaking to a counselor about it for a session or two?

As for reporting, the big issue is how strongly you feel about the guy being able to do this to other men, because it is likely that he will if he can.