Unwanted Body Hair

We have managed to put a pair of golf carts on Mars, and we are engineering cows with genes that God and nature never intended. But we have yet to find a really good way to get rid of unwanted body hair. In this week's column, I'll highlight a couple of the temporary methods for removing unwanted body hair that grows below the female or male neck. Once you get below the Adam's apple, there's not much difference in how women prune as opposed to men, assuming you are so inclined.

Please don't think I'm encouraging or discouraging body hair deforestation. Some people like their lovers furry, others like 'em bald, and I'm not talking about the top of your head. For starters, the absolute best website in the entire planet for info about hair removal is www.hairtell.com. And be sure to check its sister site www.hairfacts.com before buying hair-removal products on eBay that promise you the moon. Many are frauds and some are dangerous.

By the time a guy is 25, he's got a pretty good idea of how much body hair he's going to have, and where. Not so for women. Mother Nature reserves the right play wicked hair tricks on a woman's body at any point during her lifespan. If you are a woman who has more body hair than seems normal, and if it bothers you, be sure to see a dermatologist. You might have a condition that they can help. And if you are a woman who can grow a beard on her face that will shame the average guy, I highly recommend you spend a couple of hours on www.hairtell.com.

As for ways of getting rid of what you don't want, here's a list of the temporary methods:

Shaving: The bad news is, it's shaving. The good news is that the implements keep improving. For chest, back and leg hair whether you're a guy or a girl, try a woman's razor. They are made for large, flat areas. A lot of people seem to like the Venus 3. For hair that's between your legs, there are all kinds of blades and shaving systems to try--from razors with one blade to the vibrating Mach 3 or Quatro, to the new Gillette Fusion with five blades. There are the high end and highly recommended electric shavers from Braun to the various wet/dry shavers. Unfortunately, you will need to experiment and find what is best for your hair type and skin type. And no matter what part of your body you shave, you'll need to do it for several weeks before your hair and skin settles into an obliging routine.

If you are doing private parts, warm the area for several minutes first with a wash cloth or in the shower. Use shaving cream for sensitive skin, and shave in the direction that the hair grows and not against it. This is the one part of your body where you want to be satisfied with an okay job instead of a great job. An okay job means just shaving with one stroke or at most two, and never against the grain. The price you'll pay for doing a great job is getting little bumps and ingrown hairs, plus an uncomfortable prickly feeling because in addition to shaving off the hairs really close to the skin, you'll also slice off some of the skin. It's difficult to pull scrotum and labia skin tight enough to avoid shaving off little bits and pieces. Throw a pair of nads under the surface, and all bets are off. So remember, go for an "okay" job instead of "great" and your crotch will thank you. If you use a razor on your crotch, newer is probably better than older, and make sure the head swivels. If it's electric, people on the hair shaving forums don't recommend the rotary heads.

There is no truth to the myth that shaving results in a thicker hair follicle or increased hair growth. The reason it looks thicker after you shave or trim it is because you are whacking the hair off at the thickest part. Instead of having a soft, well-worn tip like on the end of a fully grown hair, it will look thick and have a nasty, sharp edge.

And finally, to deal with ingrown hairs (pseudofolliculitis barbae), be sure to exfoliate often (use a loofah or skin scrubbing product) or a liquid exfoliant like Tend Skin. An electric shaver might cause fewer ingrown hairs than a razor, and the most thorough discussion you'll find about ingrown hairs is the section under "razor bumps" at www.hairtell.com razor bumps.

Here are some other ways to get your hair off, so to speak:

Depilatory - A depilatory is a form of chemical hairfare that dissolves the hair at the surface of the skin. You've probably heard of Nair. Depilatory's don't do any better job than shaving, but some people prefer them. Others find they irritate the skin. Be sure to follow the instructions.

Vaniqa - This is a prescription cream that started life as an anti-cancer drug. The reason it sometimes works on reducing hair growth is because tumor cells and hair follicles have a lot in common. It doesn't cure cancer, but they have found that it does cure African Sleeping Sickness. So people coming out of near-death comas might find their unwanted body hair gone as well! Unfortunately, Vaniqa only removes body hair on 58% of the women who use it, and only temporarily. And the really bizarre discovery is that in clinical tests for Vaniqa, more than a third of the women using a placebo cream also had "improved" or "marked improved" results with their unwanted body hair. Vaniqa hasn't been tested on men, and it's safety and effectiveness hasn't been tested when it is applied to the human snatch. Plus, you need to get a prescription and it is really expensive.

Tweezing - Eyebrows and Nipples? Warm the area with a wash cloth beforehand to trick the follicles into relaxing their grip. To prevent over-plucking of eyebrows, www.hairfacts.com recommends that you draw the line you'd like with a concealer first, then pluck the little turkey's who live on the other side.

Waxing and Sugaring - Owie ouch! You put wax or sticky stuff on the hairy skin and push a special kind of paper or cloth into it. It is then ripped away, with the hair hopefully attached. Infections and broken hairs can result if you are not careful. There is no evidence that waxing decreases hair growth. If you are waxing for the first time, be sure to have it done professionally or by a friend who is highly experienced.

Rotary epilators - These are electronic torture devices that have rows of tweezers that yank hair out by the root. The Braun model comes highly recommended. You need to pull the skin tight, and the hair has to be long enough for the tweezers to be able to yank them. There are even special ones for the bikini area.

Threading - This is plucking with a thread and an ethnic flare. It's a traditional form of removing hair from the faces of Indian and Muslim women.

Bleaching - This isn't a way of removing the hair, but contrary to what you are hoping, it can make hair look thicker because the bleach gets absorbed inside the shaft and actually puffs it up.

And finally... If you are a fan of the naked noggin, you'll find all kinds of head-shaving tips at www.baldrus.com.

Unfortunately, hair removal methods have something in common with condoms--the perfect one has yet to be invented. In the meantime, you'll need to experiment with different methods to find one that works better for you than the others.