New Sex after Old

For several months now, I've had a survey on this website at for people who are in a newer relationship after having been in one for a long time with someone else. There's a bit of a bias to these results—so take them with a grain of salt. It seems like the people who elected to answer this survey are mostly in relationships where the sex is now really good.

One of the things that surprises me most about the answers is the number of people who said that the sex in their former relationship was boring or unsatisfying.

This makes me wonder how much the newness of a relationship colors our perception of the sex we are having. Or do we really get better at communicating our wants, or finding partners who are a better match sexually as we get more experience? There were a number of people who said that the sex in their former relationship was good or even great, but this was considerably less than those who said it was routine or unsatisfying.

"I had boring, very traditional missionary sex in my previous relationship. I had never had an orgasm from intercourse. At the same time, it was comfortable. Kind of like oatmeal, which is never exciting but it's always reliable and makes you feel slightly full. The first person I had sex with on a regular basis after my 5-year ex was better at the start, but we still had some issues. I wasn't completely comfortable with myself. It got better quickly though. He takes his time and builds me up. I like to be teased and touched and not rushed. The only thing that my ex did better is he spent more time on my neck and shoulders and ears. My present is a boob man and spends a lot of time on my nipples and less time on my neck." (female age 25; prior: 5 years; current: 11 months)

"The sex in my prior 12-year relationship wasn't bad, it just became obligatory. But with my current wife, there are literally no holds barred. We don't force things, but if either of us wants to explore something new, we try it. We have sex when we want, and as much or little of it as we want. There's much more caressing, holding, kissing, touching. Sometimes that turns to intercourse, but not necessarily. There's no pressure to come, or to give an orgasm." (male, age 44; prior: 12 years; current: 5 years)

"The sex in my former relationship was good and very comfortable. The difference with this one is that we have been able to talk about sex before we actually did it. This has made a huge improvement in the way we understand what we like." (female age 24; prior: 6 years; current: 2 months)

"Sex was not a major part of my former relationship as my wife was not particularly interested. In my current relationship, the sex was mind blowing the first time and it remains so!" (male, age 57; prior: 30 years; current: 7 years)

"In my former relationship, the sex was pretty comfortable, somewhat satisfying, never exciting. In the newer relationship, it was unbelievable, the intimacy was amazing and the physical attraction as well as the emotional attraction was very strong." (female, age 44; prior: 16 years; current: 8 years)

"With my former relationship, the sex was nonexistent. We barely touched at all. With the 'new' relationship, the sex started off being very awkward. I'd had a previous relationship with the guy and we would swing from the rafters, fall into a sweaty heap, and do a double take at the clock (we have had sex for how long?!). We were both thinking that we could fall back into that same old rhythm after 4 years of not even talking to each other. Wrong! It is still a little awkward after 2 months, as he has had life experiences and so have I..." (female, age 31; prior: 2 years, current: 2 months)

And here are some responses people have given regarding their fears about having sex with someone new:

"Concerns about sex with someone new? OMG YES! The thought of having to go thru the fear of whether the sight of my naked body would turn him on or make him go screaming into the night was almost too much to have to deal with. But the new man is the best. He never makes me feel rushed. I haven't ever had orgasms like this before. Intercourse is wonderful, it feels like he reaches places where only cobwebs had grown from lack of use. Things my former partner did better? He was more adventurous. He liked sex in public, where you could have a chance of getting caught. We would be driving home and he would just turn off a dirt road and bend me over the hood of the car under the stars." (female age 48; former: 8 years; current 1 year)

"The way I felt after the break up was so bad, I didn't even date for a lot of years afterwards. I was concerned that I would be FAR from perfect or even adequate, due to lack of practise. This is what caused me to go to the bookstore... Believe me when I tell you that this is not something I would want to discuss with my friends. The most important thing I took away from your book was to ask questions about what she likes or dislikes and to tell her my likes and dislikes. We agreed the first night together would be for reconnaissance--a fact-finding mission, so to speak. If anything good happened, great. If anything weird happened, chalk it up to practice. This mind-set actually led to a really wonderful experience. Kissing the back of her neck drives her wild, who knew? Lightly running her fingernails up and down my back drives ME wild. Again, who knew?" (male age 38; former: 6 years; current 4 months)

"As I had been single for a comparatively long time (2 years) I was worried that my skills had gone rusty and that the things my previous partner enjoyed wouldn't turn on a new partner. I was nervous about exposing my body and concerned that without using the tried-and-tested technique from my previous relationship I wouldn't reach orgasm. But the sex with someone new turned out to be amazing! It has been a whole new learning experience. He made it so clear that I was turning him on, and was so appreciative of my body that I wasn't nervous at all." (female age 25; former: 5 years; current: 3 months)

"The 15th year of my marriage I met (on-line) and fell in love with a man who lived in Colorado. We had no intention of falling in love with each other, we just did after many hours of discussion on the internet bulletin board, email, chat and phone. I ended up in a long-term relationship with the man. It is still going strong after 9 years. My advice for women who are married and haven't had a desire for sex in many years: I would suggest they very closely look at the relationship. It isn't sex they don't like, I'm guessing it is their spouse." (female age 45; former: 17 years; current: 9 years)

"In my former relationship, we had sex 5 to 6 times a week, sometimes more. We were completely comfortable with each other and made sure the other was satisfied. It was thrilling and exciting, but most of the time not fully satisfying because while we were friends, this was mainly a physical relationship, leaving out the important aspects of emotional attachment and affection before, during and after sex. Sex with someone new was actually very fulfilling in ways that my old partner couldn't or wouldn't satisfy me emotionally, but physically it took a little work to get to be comfortable with each other, and we are still working on it every chance we get ;-)." (female age 26; former: 2 years; current: 2 months)