Father-Daughter Role Playing
Dear Dr. Boink,
Could you please help me? My husband is constantly wanting to role-play a fantasy, and I'm not into it. He's totally into father-daughter with me, and I was molested by my own father as a child, so I have emotional difficulties with the whole thing. Am I the only woman in the world who doesn't like to act out a fantasy? Is there any hope that I can get it right and be "normal" for him? PLEASE HELP.
Minnie in Minnesota
Here are a couple of questions that I sent to Minnie after receiving her email:
How old are you, how old is he, how long have you been together? When you say "He's totally into father-daughter with me" you assume I know what you are talking about. Sorry, but you'll need to be more specific. And please try to give me some self-observations about how in the blazes you would end up with a man who is into "father-daughter" anything when you were molested by your own father?
Minnie's Response:
I met Dave when I was 15 and I was dating his son, Dave Jr. Two years later, Dave Sr. and I started dating, but I had to keep the facade that I was still dating his son. Dave Sr. was still married to Eric's mom at the time, and since Dave Jr. and I got engaged. I moved out of my parents home the day after graduation into Dave Jr.'s parents' house. That way, Dave Sr., who is now my husband, and I could still see each other. He is 60, and I'm 23. I know it's a huge difference, but except for him slowing down, he's a nice guy. He was also molested and raped by his father while he was growing up. When he was 15 he moved in with his foster parents, but the mother wanted him only for her boy toy. Two marriages later he was with Dave Jr.'s mom. He says that acting out the role play will help with the painful memories that I have and that he still gets. But he's hurt because I won't go along with it. I'm just now coming to grips with all of memories which where blocked in my mind. Now, I don't mind fantasies like whore and pimp and maid and houseboy, stuff like that. But am I the only woman out there with the mental hang-up on the father-daughter, or even the mother-son fantasy?
Dear Minnie,
Usually, I go out of my way to offer a kind response. But no matter how I try to soften it, my reply to you remains pretty harsh.
I feel troubled that you would deceive a young man by pretending you were in love with him so you could move in with his parents and continue having an affair with his dad. This seems pretty devious for a person of any age, let alone seventeen.
I am especially confused that you have questions about you and your husband playing a "daddy-daughter" fantasy. Where's the fantasy? Given that he's nearly three times your age, the fantasy would be if you tried playing anything but daddy and daughter.
You say your husband is a nice guy, but I can't see anything nice about asking a woman who was sexually molested by her father to act out that very fantasy. It seems to me you are repeating enough of your past already. I suspect it's a healthy part of you that's saying no to the 'father-daughter' thing!
Believe it or not, there are other ways of getting control in life than by bedding an old geezer, stealing him out from under his wife's nose, and humiliating his son in the process. Then again, the two of you have that abuse thing going on, which some people use to justify anything.
If for some reason your world eventually comes crashing down and you are ready to look at your role in creating the mess, you might try getting into some serious therapy. And I'm not talking five visits and a prescription of Prozac. Otherwise, you'll just end up repeating the current script until you are really old and angry instead of your current situation where I suspect you are really young and angry but not necessarily aware of it. And please, if you do get into therapy, see a woman!
You have asked my advice on role-playing, and I'm telling you to see a shrink. Clearly I'm not appreciating the relationship you feel you have. I'm probably behaving like those people who get that bewildered look on their faces when they assumed you were going to introduce your husband as your dad or grandpa.
Hopefully, you'll prove me wrong and you and your husband will have many happy and satisfying years together. Drop me a line every now and then to let me know how it's going.
My very best to you,
Boink
