Most of us believe that rape happens to only women and gay or imprisoned men. We assume that any man who doesn't want to be sexually assaulted is able to defend himself and fend off the attacker. But just because you are a guy, it doesn't mean you should be able to win a barroom fight, thrash a mugger or fend off a rapist.
Rape is first and foremost about violence, power, sadism and hatred. The rapist didn't choose you because he thought you had a cute butt. He chose you because he thought he could.
When you've got a gun to your head or a knife to your throat, you suddenly have other priorities than saying, "Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, you've got it all wrong. I like girls!" Your job is to survive, and even if that means having to go down on the guy, you should do it and not think twice. Think of how many girls have done it for you--and hopefully lived.
In addition to being blind-sided with a lethal weapon, a man can be sexually assaulted by a group of men he doesn't stand a chance against. Sometimes the rape can be the result of blackmail or of being drunk or stoned. The last thing a guy who is drunk is going to be able to protect is his rear end.
Male rape can happen in other ways, as well. Not too long ago, a former National Hockey League Player revealed that he was sexually assaulted by one of his coaches when he was a teen.
Unfortunately, a man who has been raped has fewer options than even a woman who has been raped. Think about it: how many guys are going to find it cathartic to tell their friends they were raped? Sad but true, the chances are good his drinking buds will be doing all they can to keep from giggling.
If you are a guy who has been raped, call a rape-crisis center or, even if you are the epitome of straightness, consider calling a gay-men's health center. They tend to be understanding and helpful about sexual violence against men. The advice they give you will most likely be the best to follow.
One thing that can be really confusing is if you became hard or came when you were raped. The truth is, it is not unusual to have an erection and orgasm when the body is under extreme stress or panic. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, plenty of guys who go to the gallows meet their maker with an erection and ejaculate in their pants, and not because they thought it was sexy to have a noose around their neck.
Some rapists are aware that you might get an erection. They will intentionally stroke you to orgasm just to mess with your mind even more. So what's the big deal if you did get hard and came? The important thing is in understanding that you were violently assaulted. We should all have erections and orgasms in such situations. At least you lived to think about it, which is a very good thing.
Men who are bisexual or gay sometimes worry that being raped or abused is what gave them their same-sex orientation. Or if you know a straight guy who was sexually assaulted by another male, you might wonder if this will impact his sexual orientation. Studies have never shown that sexual abuse or rape influences a person's sexual orientation, yet this is a myth that persists.
While you might want to keep it all inside, it could be that the rape has been causing you to deal with others-especially intimate others-in strange ways. What do you have to lose by speaking to a counselor about it for a session or two?
As for reporting, the big issue is how strongly you feel about the guy being able to do this to other men, because it is likely that he will if he can.
"When I was 6- to 8-years-old, my best friend's dad molested me. He would make me give him oral sex, and touch him, and he'd touch me.... I try not to make too big of a deal about it. I have good relationships with women and like to think I am a relatively emotionally stable person. You can't let yourself be a victim. However, I still have frequent dreams about him abusing me, and sometimes I have sex fantasies about him as well. These disturb me because he abused me. I was so young that I think I repressed most of the negative thoughts. All I can remember are the way things felt." male age 21