Given the importance of this subject, we have included the entire chapter on Rape & Abuse from the "Guide To Getting It On!" Its focus is on having good sex when you've had bad sex in the past.
Some kinds of sex are wicked. Some kinds are evil. That's what this chapter is about. This chapter looks at the aftermath of rape and abuse, with an eye on learning to have good sex after bad. The information it provides is a small drop in a large and sometimes difficult bucket. There is no shortage of information for people who have been raped or abused, and hopefully you will seek it out. Some is recommended in the pages that follow.
While sexual assault is not unique, you are. What works for someone else might not work for you. Be diligent in finding information that is helpful, and be cautious when self-described experts tell you what you should do instead of giving you a wide platter to choose from.
The first part of this chapter assumes that the person who experienced the assault or abuse is female and that the perpetrator is male. That's how it usually is, but not always. The last part of the chapter is for straight guys who have been raped by other men, although gay men get raped as well. If your abuser was a woman, or if your situation is not described here, rest assured you can find plenty of material on it with the right search terms.
Rape and abuse are often lumped together, as if the experiences are the same because they are both violent sex crimes. Depending on who you are and what happened, this may or may not be true. Let's consider two women whose only similarity in life is that both had sex forced on them.
The first woman grew up in a safe and loving home. Her parents were there for her from day one. The men she chose for lovers were respectful and decent. The chemistry in her relationships wasn't always the best, but the problem was not because the men lacked character or concern. In times of stress and tumult, this woman's family was a resource she could fall back on. When she was raped at age 24, her family and friends circled the wagons and stood by her. When she was trying to rebuild her sex life after the assault, she had the memory of many satisfying nights with loving men to help her recall that sex could be wonderful as well as wicked.
The second woman had a very different family and childhood. The man her mom remarried sexually abused her from the time she was 8. When her grades began to drop and she started to become isolated at school, her mom conveniently chalked it up to "growing pains." Signs that a less-chaotic parent would have picked up on in a minute went ignored. While the house was well-maintained and she was fed, clothed and clean, home was never a safe place. As the little girl grew into a young woman, her choice of sexual partners reflected the chaos she grew up in.
Mind you, there are plenty of women who are raped who had horrible childhoods, and there are plenty of women from wonderful families whose only childhood blight was their sexual abuse. But in telling about these two very different women, it might give you a sense that the challenges that sexual-assault victims face are not the same. For the second woman, the abuse and emotional abandonment is a part of the mortar that binds her entire psyche. She has no memories of sex being wonderful and loving to fall back on. That is very different from the other woman's psychological challenge, which is to deal with the kinds of issues that one might address after a terrorist attack.
There is also no way of predicting which victims of abuse or rape will have sexual and relationship issues. Some of it has to do with a person's temperament and constitution. It might also have to do with whether she had something good that she could hold onto in her mind.
For some women who endured childhood abuse, the times they were abused might have been the only times they were treated with tenderness. Talk about confusing! Even more difficult are situations in which the girl's own mother was jealous of her, as if she were competition for the woman's husband or boyfriend.
We live in a culture where sex is used to influence and control others. Imagine if you grew up in a twisted household where you got treated better for being "daddy's favorite" and your mom was jealous? The idea of having sex for intimacy and enjoyment would be as foreign as wearing a burka would be for a girl who grew up in a beach town with a closetful of bikinis.
Non-abused sons who grow up in situations where a girl is being abused can find it just as difficult to process the twistedness that is unfolding around them. Some are isolated and depressed. Others grow up finding it a challenge to respect the sexual rights and emotions of others.
Women who have been raped or sexually abused sometimes report that their bodies are betraying them. Perhaps it's just that their bodies are trying to protect them, and the nerves and muscles beneath their skin have no way of knowing that the danger has passed.
For instance, think of what happens in your body when the man of your dreams is tenderly kissing the sides of your neck. As you are becoming sexually aroused, your heart beats faster, you breathe more quickly, and your skin starts to perspire. You might not be consciously aware of it, but your hearing and vision also become more acute.
A woman with no experience of abuse might experience these body sensations as a sign of the good things to come. But for a woman who has been sexually assaulted or abused, her body is apt to confuse these signs with danger. Far from trying to betray her, her body is most likely trying to protect her. Like the Japanese soldiers on remote islands during World War II who were never told that the war was over, her nerves and muscles are still preparing for combat rather than for relaxation and pleasure. The retraining process can be slow. So one of the first things a woman might do is to become aware of sexually-charged situations that cause her body tone to go from "Oh boy!" to "Yikes!" or those that make her feel numb or disassociated.
For one woman, the trigger might be a quick, admiring glance from a man in a restaurant. Another woman's body might be totally into having sex until she feels her lover's penis on her outer labia.
As a woman begins to recognize these triggers, she can take any number of actions. One woman might find it helpful to stay with the bad feeling and observe how it unfolds within her. Another might remind herself the situation isn't the dangerous one that her body is confusing it with. If it happens during lovemaking, she and her partner might have a signal so they change positions or automatically stop. A woman might find it important if her lover says something to her, or maybe they switch on a light so she can physically see his face in addition to hearing the sound of his voice. It might also be helpful for her to have environmental cues going on from the start of their lovemaking, such as certain music or a particular light, or having a special object that she can feel or grasp--a good transitional object that helps her feel safe enough to stay in the here and now.
"Initially, my now-husband had to learn how to stop and comfort me when I had flashbacks during sex. Thankfully those no longer occur. I really need to have music on, or something to concentrate on that adds to the sex. If it is silent, or we have relaxing sex without music or awesome satin sheets or something that provides other sensations, then I will have a lot of trouble not disassociating." female age 27
For some women who have been sexually abused or assaulted, masturbation can provide an important bridge to healthy sexual enjoyment. When she masturbates, she can retrain her body to associate a good sexual outcome with the increased breathing and faster heart beat.
For a woman who has never had a good sexual experience, masturbation can be the first step in learning how good sex can feel. For a woman who has had good sex in the past, it can be a safe way for her to remember how good it used to feel.
If she has a trusting, loving relationship with a partner, it might be a huge step for a woman to pleasure herself while he holds her. Hopefully, he can understand just how big of a step this can be for her, and not to feel like she's rejecting him because the site of his hard penis throws her into a panic. All things in good time.
Her partner will also need to be comfortable with masturbation himself, as there might be times when she suddenly needs to put the brakes on during lovemaking. While this might be her need, it could be cruel and unusual punishment for him. He needs to have the option of getting himself off by hand. Hopefully, they can talk about this, and she can appreciate and respect his need to get off, and he can appreciate and respect her sudden need for space.
"Masturbation had lost a lot of its fun. Isn't that terribly sad? I'm finding it again now, and it makes me proud of myself. female age 27
"I was a frequent masturbator before the rape, but for a while after I didn't really want any sexual things at all. But masturbating helped me to start enjoying my body again." female age 19
[After being raped at age 12] "I was 14 and my older friend was telling me about how she could have orgasms in the shower. I tried it, and the experience was so amazing and so all-my-own that I began to feel a lot better about what sex and sexuality should be." female age 18
"Fantasy men were always nice to me--patient, kind, concerned about me, etc. Not like in real life. In a weird way, it taught me what and who to look for in real life." female age 30
There isn't a right way or a wrong way to have sex after you have been raped. There are many different options, and only you can decide what's right for you. Here are some things that other women have found to be helpful:
Setting Limits & Feeling Safe If the places and situations where you used to date and have sex no longer feel safe, see if it helps to treat yourself like the nervous parents of an attractive and sweet 15-year-old. Set the kinds of limits you would for yourself that they would for her. Should you be home by 10 or midnight? What about only double-dating with a trusted friend? Don't go to a party without a friend. If you are in a social situation and start to feel unsafe, don't stick around. Go home. If a guy you like asks you to have a beer, there's no reason why you can't say, "No, but brunch on Sunday would be really nice. I know this fun (and really crowded...) restaurant." Decide ahead of time how much physical contact you are going to allow--a handshake, a kiss, a feel above the waist, a feel below?
As the women of the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy so aptly note, if you discover that you are exclusively selecting men to date who you feel safe with, but who you don't feel sexually attracted to, or it's been a long time and you're still not able to get as sexually excited as you used to, it might be a good idea to seek some counseling.
Re-Virginization OK, it was bad enough being a virgin the first time, but now you're just as nervous all over again.... If you are planning on having sex with a guy and think you might need to stop groping each other midway, or will be needing special reassurance, then it's probably best to tell him that you had been sexually assaulted. Otherwise, he might rightfully think you are kind of strange. Most guys will be very understanding and try to help in any way they can, especially once you have given them permission to be something less than he-men. It's perfectly fine to say, "The old me might have been pulling your pants off by now, but with the new me, it could be a couple of months before you even get to feel under my bra. I have no idea how it's going to go, but I need to be able to totally trust that if I say stop, you'll stop at that very moment."
You should also warn him that you might have days when you can't get enough of him sexually and other days when you are certain that aliens have given you the sexual sensibilities of a 90-year-old nun.
On those days when you need to send him off to the bathroom with a stack of porn, let him know that it still might be really important that the two of you do something romantic together, like taking a walk, or going to the bookstore or movies, or flying a kite, or doing any number of things together that couples like to do. And on those days when you need physical contact but need him to keep the snake in his pants, talk to him about cuddling together, holding hands, or exchanging back or foot rubs. If it's not too much for him or you, a warm bath together or dip in a hot tub might feel great.
No matter how passive you might have been before being sexually assaulted, you now need to call the shots, each and every one of them. Perhaps it's something you will keep doing, as one of the few helpful lessons you learned from an education that you paid way too much to get.
If You Have a Partner Your partner isn't the man who raped you, but he can be almost as affected by the rape as you are. First is the little matter that he might try to kill the rapist. That's to be expected when someone intentionally harms a loved one. And then there's the possible "guilt by association" that he might have to deal with from you, by virtue of the fact that he has something similar between his legs as the rapist. Even though you know he wasn't the one who harmed you nor would he ever want to, he is a guy, and guys might not be at the top of your most-favored-sex list right now. He will need to be aware that for some women, it might take months before sex returns to normal. For others, things will return to normal much sooner. You can't predict, and you can't tell. Hopefully, he will read all he can and educate himself as much as possible about the kinds of reactions that victims of sexual assault can have, and learn how to be an ally of the healing process. Patience will have its rewards.
Flashbacks Some women who have been sexually assaulted have flashbacks; others don't. You and your partner need to be aware that flashbacks sometimes happen when you are at the peak of sexual excitement and are orgasming left and right. Your partner needs to understand that flashbacks are not because of anything he is doing that's wrong. Learn about the things that trigger flashbacks and come up with a strategy for dealing with them. Have faith that they will decrease with time.
A book that many therapists and researchers highly recommend is Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery from Basic Books, (1997).
As for treatment modalities, the two that currently have the highest chances of success are those based on Edna Foa's exposure techniques and Patricia Resick's cognitive-processing therapy. If you can find a therapist who specializes in one of these treatment modalities, you will be receiving the best methodology that is currently available.
Researchers have discovered that there is a difference between what makes a vagina lubricate and what turns a woman on mentally. It is not unusual for a woman's vagina to lubricate in situations where she is frightened or terrified. This will protect her vagina from tearing if intercourse is forced upon her.
This primitive reflex can be very confusing for a woman who has had sex forced on her. For instance, if she had an orgasm while being raped, she might wonder if she has a secret thing for violence and somehow invited the rape. She should understand that other women who have been raped have had orgasms, and those orgasms are the product of a body in terror that's spewing out a flood of adrenalin while physical pressure is being put on her genitals. This kind of reaction is not limited to women. Erections are no stranger to the gallows. It's been known for many centuries that men who are executed by hanging often die with erections, and some even ejaculate. While this may have something to do with the body's response to asphyxiation, terror also plays a role in it. These men were no more sexually turned-on by being in the gallows than is a woman in a violent situation in which sex is being forced
on her.
Before you read about ways to prevent rape, keep in mind that women who have been raped sometimes go overboard in trying to avoid situations that cause them anxiety. The problem with this is that avoidance merely reinforces anxiety and stress disorders.
So it is important for those who have been raped to conquer the temptation to avoid too much. The key is in using your good sense.
Common-sense ways to prevent rape include not jogging or walking alone, especially at night. Never hitchhike or pick up a hitchhiker. Lock your doors and windows, even if you are going away for a brief time, and do not open your door unless you are certain you know who is knocking or ringing the doorbell. Don't lend your keys to anyone, and do not put your name or address on your keys. Avoid being alone in underground garages, apartment laundry rooms, or offices after hours. Park in areas that are well-lit, and lock your car doors even if it's a quick stop. Lock your doors when you drive, and try not to drive with less than a quarter of a tank of gas.
At parties, open drinks yourself, avoid the punch bowl, don't accept drinks from anyone else or share them, and don't leave drinks out of your eyesight. Even more importantly, never get drunk or stoned outside of the safety of your own home or that of your sexual partner's.
According to interviews with incarcerated rapists, they do not pick a victim based on how she looks or how she is dressed. The first criteria is that a predator does not want to get caught. So what he is looking for is a highly vulnerable victim. Can he easily isolate her from others? Can he commit his crime without her noises drawing the attention of others?
Sexual predators--those who often target children--are good con artists. They usually have a well-honed sociopathic personality that gets victims to suspend their sense of suspicion. They seem to know just what to say that makes you feel good. They can often smell loneliness and the need for attention and approval. They excel at flattery.
The sex offender's goal is to find ways to control a victim. He is good at getting women to engage in light forms of romance or sex play, not so much at their invitation, but in a way that she doesn't think to scream "STOP IT!" He manages to take her off-guard, doing things that feel good enough so she gets confused. Then, after it's too late, he's got her. He has managed to physically isolate her and emotionally confuse her. She is suddenly wondering, "Did I invite this?" If she didn't put a stop to it immediately, she is pretty much a goner. He will have invaded her personal space and personal boundaries, and then there's no stopping him.
After committing his crime, his next goal is to not get caught. If you are a friend or acquaintance, he might try to catch you up in the confusion of whether you invited the assault, until you start thinking, "I shouldn't have let him start fooling around with me." Depending on the situation, he might also be able to control you with bribery or threats. And if you are child, he might act convincingly that nothing really happened. You end up distorting your own awareness of what went on.
An agreement to kiss is not an agreement to have intercourse. It never has been. Fucking requires a separate level of consent than making-out. Likewise, feeling each other up and finding a vagina to be wet is not consent to put a penis in it.
Until the last twenty years, people thought of rape as something that was committed by a stranger who lurked in the shadows or pried a woman's bedroom window open. No one used to think of it as something your date did after you agreed to go upstairs to his bedroom and didn't push him away when he started making out with you. But as researchers interviewed more and more women, they started hearing accounts of when men would not stop in spite of the woman's protests.
Unfortunately, in the hands of some researchers with their bizarrely worded surveys, frightening "statistics" were generated that made every male who ever had an erection in a woman's presence look like a perpetrator of date rape. This over-zealousness on the part of researchers cast a shadow where no shadow should have been cast.
There are men who are adept at engaging women in kissing or petting, and then raping them in the same manner as "traditional" rapists who lurk in corners. Men like these can come from wealthy families who are on the social A-lists. They can be sports heroes, or divinity students at a Bible college.
The emotional impact of date rape can be every bit as great as if a woman were raped by a stranger. To help prevent date rape, the courts have had to push the limits of what consent is into a somewhat artificial and awkward place. Until we find a better solution, the new definition of consent will be the law of the land.
The onus of stopping sexplay now rests on the male the moment a woman says, "Stop!" or "Maybe I should go" or "This doesn't feel good." She may have agreed to have intercourse, but if she changes her mind after 300 thrusts, the man had better pull out on thrust number 301 as opposed to number 306.
Males who do not take this seriously should read the recent decision for the State of California Supreme Court called People v. John Z. In that case, a woman had agreed to have intercourse, but at some point during the intercourse, she indicated that she might want to go. She didn't say "Stop" or "I don't want to keep doing this." The court found that she was raped because the man did not stop the moment she indicated a change of heart, or change of pelvis. Interestingly, it was a female member of the court who dissented.
Making sure that a woman is legally able to consent to sex is now the job of the male, and it is very different from what you might think. For instance, even if a woman bought the first two rounds of drinks or brought the pot and rolled the joints, she is not legally able to consent to sex if she has been drinking or smoking. This can be true even if she's the one who went down on the guy until he got hard and she put his dick in herself.
Also, it doesn't matter if both of you were equally drunk or stoned: this does not excuse the male from the burden of realizing that a woman who has been drinking or smoking cannot legally consent to sex. Just the fact that she has been drinking before intercourse makes it sexual assault in some states. Also, it is not legal in many situations to have sex with a woman if you are her boss, her teacher, her minister, her physician or her coach.
Do not assume a woman is playing a game when she hesitates or says "No." And never, ever try to win her over with pressure or persuasiveness. The courts have made it clear that this will not be tolerated.
In the absence of a woman making it completely clear that she wants sex, a man needs to assume that sex is neither desired nor is it legal.
The thing you don't want to do is to disturb any of the evidence, and unfortunately, the evidence is on you and in you. Much as you might want to, do not shower, douche, wash your hands, change your clothes, drink anything or even brush your teeth. Saliva can be used to identify a rapist as well as his semen. Try not to pee. If you think you might have been drugged and you have to urinate, do so in a bottle and take it with you to the hospital. Be sure to tell the doctor about any suspicions of being drugged. The way they find out if you have been drugged is through testing your urine, and some drugs pass through your system quickly. (In some states, the threshold of evidence is lower if it is discovered that the victim was drugged.)
If you are a minor, you don't need to have a parent's permission to have a "rape kit" done at the hospital. So there's no reason to fear going to the hospital if you've been doing something that would make your parents want to kill you. You should take extra clothing that you can change into after they have collected all the evidence at the hospital.
If you can, ask a friend to go with you or to meet you at the hospital. If you live in a dorm, ask a resident advisor to go with you as well. It's OK if the friend stays with you during the exam and during your entire hospital visit. Your friend will be able to be your ears, eyes, and brain in case your own are feeling fried. And your friend will be able to be a--friend! If you or your friend has it together enough, call RAINN (800-656-HOPE). See if there is a victim advocate who can meet you at the hospital.
As a victim of a sexual assault, you have priority over just about everything other than life-threatening illnesses. So unless you see a bunch of people being wheeled in with panicked-looking doctors hovering around them, you should get in sooner than later. If a long time has gone by, ask your friend to remind the person at the desk that you are a rape victim and haven't been seen. If you prefer a doctor of your same sex, let them know. If they can, they will get you one, but it may take more time.
Going to the hospital doesn't mean you need to speak to the police or press charges. But it's essential to go to the hospital for a couple of reasons. If at some point you do decide to press charges, they will have the necessary evidence. It will be much harder otherwise. The people in the ER can give you the morning-after pill to help prevent pregnancy, and they can tend to any physical trauma. Going to the hospital right away greatly increases your chances to receive victim's services if you should need them, and in a lot of states, the state will pay for your expenses. The people in the ER should be able to explain your options and connect you with counseling and other help. It is a very, very good idea to visit a hospital emergency room right away. There are virtually no downsides. As with a car accident, you have no idea of the kinds of emotional or physical trauma that might present itself in a couple of days or weeks. Having everything on record at the ER will make it easier for you to get free services if you should need them in the future.
There is no manual for how to act after a sexual assault. Some people will be hysterical while others will be unusually calm. Some will be agitated, others will be numb. It is unwise to judge a person's emotional experience of a sexual assault based on their behavior following it.
People have the idea that rape in a marriage isn't really rape, and it's less serious than if the sexual assault is caused by a stranger. But given all the baggage and history of a married couple, it makes sense that spousal rape might be even more devastating than stranger rape. After all, the stranger never said, "To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."
Women who are raped by their husbands are likely to be raped a number of times before finally leaving. The rape can be oral, anal and vaginal. Dealing with it can be a particular challenge when the wife lives with the rapist.
Some rapists will force their victims to pretend they are enjoying the rape. Rape experts indicate that it's is a good idea to go along with the rapist on this one if he is so inclined. It seems that if the rapist is unable to complete the act, he is more apt to seriously injure his victim, and think of how seriously imbalanced he is mentally if he wants you to pretend you are enjoying it.
While it is very important if a child who is being abused can find a trusting teacher, counselor, minister or parent to tell, it's an unfortunate comment on our society to say that reporting doesn't always improve the situation. For some girls, it makes it worse, as dysfunctional families will often try to make her the problem. There is also the reality that while some state protective-services agencies are top-notch, others are as dysfunctional as the families they are supposed to be protecting children from. Between failures of the criminal-justice system and an overwhelmed social-services system, good outcomes are sometimes the exception rather than the rule.
If you are an adult who suspects a child is being abused, you are often legally required to report to your nearest child-protective-services agency. Unfortunately, you wouldn't believe the number of grandparents and relatives who suspect abuse is occurring, but don't report it, and not because they are concerned about how well the system will or won't work. They will be the first to tell you what a shame it is the child is being abused, but blood is thicker than sperm. They wouldn't want to upset the family.
Equally disturbing are the number of divorces where one angry parent accuses the other parent of abuse out of revenge. If they are so sure the other parent was abusing the child, why didn't they say something about it before the divorce? This shouldn't be confused with situations where the divorce came as a result of learning that a child was being abused.
It's no secret that few rapes are actually reported, and that the percentage of reports is even lower in the nearly two-thirds of all rapes where the victim knew the offender prior to the sexual assault.
There are reasons why women don't report. A very common one is if the rapist is an important member of your social circle or your mother's favorite cousin. Or if he's your sister's husband or a popular guy at work or school.
Aside from social realities, it's hard to talk about a sexual assault. Other reasons for not reporting include fears that you won't be believed, fears that you will be blamed, and fears that the accused will somehow retaliate.
Some women believe that if they didn't put up a fight, the state won't consider it rape. This is not true. Not fighting may have been the best way to prevent further injury or death. The fact that you are still alive indicates that you did the smartest thing that you could have. While fighting may have stopped the rape, it could have just as easily ended up in your being killed or seriously injured beyond any sexual trauma.
So why should you report? There are three very good reasons:
1. Rapists tend to be bullies who may see your failure to report as an indication that you liked what they did, or that you are an easy mark for a repeat offense. Reporting a rapist tends to protect you from re-assault rather than putting you in harm's way.
2. One of the greatest regrets among women who don't report is knowing that their lack of action may have made it possible for the rapist to sexually assault other women. This fact, even more than the rape itself, is what haunts some women the most.
3. Even if the man is not convicted, your report puts him in law-enforcement radar. It makes it much less likely that he will get away with it the next time. Even if he is not convicted, your reporting is what might save his potential victims.
Reporting is socially easier if the rapist isn't part of your social circle. If he is, be prepared for people taking sides, and not necessarily yours. On the other hand, if you don't report, he will know you are an easy target, and you will have to live with letting him get away with it and with victimizing others.
Don't waste time trying to warn him or threaten him. Your actions in not reporting him are all he will hear.
If you have reported someone from your social circle, it's probably best not to discuss it. Don't try to defend yourself or to say anything negative about him. Technically, the only people you should be speaking to about it are the police, the DA and your healthcare provider or counselor if you have one. Keeping these boundaries will probably make it easier for you in the long run.
Hopefully things in the Greek system have evolved and justice is more important than keeping quiet to maintain the social order. But understand that if you were raped and report a fraternity member to the police, his house brothers will likely feel that you have reported them--all of them. And that sorority sister of yours who had a secret crush on the guy? Get ready to meet your new worst enemy.
You won't read this advice in the "Welcome To Our Wonderful College!" booklets, but if you've been raped by a fraternity bro and decide to report him, get thee to the psych library and read about what happens in dysfunctional families when a child reports that she's been abused. Knowing how strange it can get will help you maintain a sense of irony and perspective that could be necessary if a psychodrama were to unfold around you. People join fraternal organizations with the hope of being a part of something that's bigger and better than they are. In accusing a fraternity man of rape, you are not only threatening the relationship between your sorority and his fraternity, you are taking to task the very system that has been the spawning ground of presidents, senators and supreme-court justices.
Does this mean you shouldn't report? Heck no. But it does mean that you will be standing out as an individual in an organization that is not exactly the Walden Pond of free thinking. The priority of some sorority sisters is to party with boys with pedigrees. They are as likely to see you, rather than a fraternity man who takes uninvited liberties with his dick, as the problem.
If you are in a sorority and you report a fraternity boy for rape, or if you are in any tightly-knit organization and report a fellow member, be prepared to move out and move on. But think about it--in a world where people are tortured and killed for speaking the truth, is it such a huge price to pay for doing the right thing? Is it such a huge price to pay for helping to protect other women this person might victimize throughout his life, because that's who will suffer if there is no price to pay for sex that is forced. In the long run, wouldn't you rather be known as a woman not to mess with, rather than as an easy target for forced sex?
If you are raped by a fraternity member and your sorority sisters stand
by you, understand that you have found something that is truly precious.
Most of us believe that rape happens to only women and gay or imprisoned men. We assume that any man who doesn't want to be sexually assaulted is able to defend himself and fend off the attacker. But just because you are a guy, it doesn't mean you should be able to win a barroom fight, thrash a mugger or fend off a rapist.
Rape is first and foremost about violence, power, sadism and hatred. The rapist didn't choose you because he thought you had a cute butt. He chose you because he thought he could.
When you've got a gun to your head or a knife to your throat, you suddenly have other priorities than saying, "Excuse me, Mr. Rapist, you've got it all wrong. I like girls!" Your job is to survive, and even if that means having to go down on the guy, you should do it and not think twice. Think of how many girls have done it for you--and hopefully lived.
In addition to being blind-sided with a lethal weapon, a man can be sexually assaulted by a group of men he doesn't stand a chance against. Sometimes the rape can be the result of blackmail or of being drunk or stoned. The last thing a guy who is drunk is going to be able to protect is his rear end.
Male rape can happen in other ways, as well. Not too long ago, a former National Hockey League Player revealed that he was sexually assaulted by one of his coaches when he was a teen.
Unfortunately, a man who has been raped has fewer options than even a woman who has been raped. Think about it: how many guys are going to find it cathartic to tell their friends they were raped? Sad but true, the chances are good his drinking buds will be doing all they can to keep from giggling.
If you are a guy who has been raped, call a rape-crisis center or, even if you are the epitome of straightness, consider calling a gay-men's health center. They tend to be understanding and helpful about sexual violence against men. The advice they give you will most likely be the best to follow.
One thing that can be really confusing is if you became hard or came when you were raped. The truth is, it is not unusual to have an erection and orgasm when the body is under extreme stress or panic. As mentioned earlier in this chapter, plenty of guys who go to the gallows meet their maker with an erection and ejaculate in their pants, and not because they thought it was sexy to have a noose around their neck.
Some rapists are aware that you might get an erection. They will intentionally stroke you to orgasm just to mess with your mind even more. So what's the big deal if you did get hard and came? The important thing is in understanding that you were violently assaulted. We should all have erections and orgasms in such situations. At least you lived to think about it, which is a very good thing.
Men who are bisexual or gay sometimes worry that being raped or abused is what gave them their same-sex orientation. Or if you know a straight guy who was sexually assaulted by another male, you might wonder if this will impact his sexual orientation. Studies have never shown that sexual abuse or rape influences a person's sexual orientation, yet this is a myth that persists.
While you might want to keep it all inside, it could be that the rape has been causing you to deal with others-especially intimate others-in strange ways. What do you have to lose by speaking to a counselor about it for a session or two?
As for reporting, the big issue is how strongly you feel about the guy being able to do this to other men, because it is likely that he will if he can.
National Center for Victims of Crime
(800) 394-2255
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
(800) 656-4673 (800) 656-HOPE
National Domestic Violence Hotline
(800) 799-SAFE
Your state or county may have excellent resources as well.
Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery from Basic Books, 1997.
Therapy treatment based on Edna Foa's exposure techniques and Patricia Resick's cognitive processing therapy.
A Very Special Thanks to Alessandra Rellini from at the University of Texas at Austin, and now Yale University. And to Cindy Meston for finding her!
"I was seriously dating one guy for four years (I was 16 when it started). Over time he became more and more thoughtless during sex until the point where it had crossed the line into violence. If sex was painful he would not stop, and there was emotional violence. We started out using porn to enhance our sex lives, but after a while he would position us so he could ignore me during sex and just watch the screen.
"I did two years of being single without sex after that to pull myself together. When I began having sex again I had flashbacks and would panic. I used to be so sexually outgoing and playful. I would enjoy oral sex. Now I don't do any of that anymore. For a long time I could not joyfully give my partners oral sex because of the negative associations with it, and sometimes I still have trouble not choking, even when it is barely in my mouth. Things are slowly improving, but I am worried it will never have that carefree way about it. It is hard to relax and not over protect myself. I've been married for a year now to a wonderful and gentle man that I've been intimate with for five years.... That's how long it's taken." female age 27
"I have been raped twice in my life by two separate men. The first was during my 16th birthday. After the party I went to my friend's spare bedroom to sleep. My then-boyfriend came in and lay next to me. We started fooling around but things started going too far. I asked him to stop but he didn't. He kept pressuring me, saying he wouldn't do anything serious. It ended with him just shoving himself in me while I was sobbing. That was how I lost my virginity. The saddest part is that I stayed with him for two more months.
"The second time I was at a friend's house. Drinking and playing Dungeons and Dragons. (Yes, girls are nerds too.) I drank far too much and lay down on a mattress that was sitting in the middle of the living room. All my friends went into the den to watch TV while this guy lay next to me. I should have figured it out then, but I was really drunk. I asked him to leave me because I was too drunk to be near anyone, let alone a guy with 'intentions.' He didn't leave. He started with the foreplay. I alternated between liking it and asking him to go away. It ended with him on top of me while I told him to stop. I suppose this one was partially my fault. Needless to say, the friendship ended there.
"Sex since then? I've never orgasmed. That may be due to the fact that I can't trust men. I'm never comfortable being naked around anyone. And to be completely honest, I don't really like sex. I think I'm just expecting men to mistreat me after having it. To just use me. Recently I have been in a relationship with a man who was a virgin before we had sex. His love and trust have gone a long way toward helping me believe that a guy might like me for more than just sex. It's helping me to enjoy myself more." female age 20
"I was continually abused growing up (emotionally, spiritually, verbally, mentally, sexually), so much so I don't remember much of it.
I continued the abuse voluntarily by getting involved with men who abused me. For instance, I have two kids as a result of 3-a.m. encounters when I was three-quarters asleep. I'm still pretty badly messed up and have a hard time seeing when someone is trying to be decent. I have never had normal sex. I discovered recently (in the past two years) that what I thought was normal was far from normal. I never knew that you were supposed to have feeling inside. I thought it was normal to be numb inside. My former partner could stick any number of fingers up inside me, and I could never tell him how many there were. He could even put a whole fist inside, and I didn't know. He could scratch and wiggle-nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch. Still have that problem. Maybe I'll figure it out someday. female age 31
"When I was in middle school, and my body was just starting to mature, my step-dad was going through a rough time with work. He was pretty stressed. My mom was around, but she had a job as well, so obviously I was left alone with a man who I wasn't exactly fond of. He started getting a little too close and intimate for comfort. I told him I didn't like it. When he didn't stop, I told my mom. She didn't want to believe me. One night while she was out with her friends, I woke up and he was on top of me. I tried to scream. He stifled me. "It'll feel good, I promise," he told me. It didn't feel good. I screamed and flailed my body until I could get away. I ran and tried to hide. He found me and hit me so hard that I don't remember any more of that night. I was 12.
"I was ashamed of my body for a long time after that. But at the same time, I still really wanted the fellas who were my own age to take notice of me. I think I was looking for someone who would try to protect me. Eventually, I found myself in a good relationship that was much more about the emotional connection than a physical one. When we finally did get to that point, I felt so at ease with him that it was completely natural, pure and honest [and way good!]." female age 18
"I was 9 years old. My karate instructor gave me a lesson in oral sex and other such matters. This was 32 years ago. I was not in a huge hurry to lose my official virginity. But then I had a great boyfriend for my first time, so it worked out. Get someone to talk to--a professional--and don't stop until you find one that helps you to release the pain or anger. It's not only possible; it's probable for good sex after bad IF you take it slow and find the right person. I think about sex not as something that is being done to me, but as something that I am giving to someone else." female age 41
"I was molested by my dad & younger brother. It took years of therapy to overcome self-destructive behavior. The abuse took a seemingly wholesome, enjoyable act, and made it ugly. I became psychotically self-destructive with sex, alternating between frigidity and promiscuity. I was able to find good therapist and a good man who loves me. I can finally breathe and trust, relax, have fun, and enjoy sex. (We're getting married later this year.)" female age 30
"It was seven years ago. In my room. My cousin's husband attacked me while I was sleeping. I never had sex before then. I look at sex as something that I don't need. Sometimes it just brings back the night of the bad. My advice? Take control next time. You'd be surprised at how much better it can be the next time that way! If it's happened to you, don't hesitate to tell someone else. I didn't, and I'm still paying for it. It took me four years to come to the reality of it. Don't hide anything. If you've been raped, don't think of sex as bad. Think of it as a way to better yourself." female age 20
"Recognize and accept what you can morally live with. If I'd had someone to turn to/talk to when I was a kid, things may have turned out differently. Now'days there are people, places, and/or Websites you can contact to help you adjust. It's not your fault. Masturbation has been the one saving grace which has helped me adjust to my sexuality." male age 68
"Report it right away. My biggest regret is that I never did. The man who raped me raped others. Maybe if I had said something, they would never had to experience that. And get counseling. Don't just sit there and blame yourself. Always remember it wasn't your fault, and it doesn't make YOU a bad person." female age 20
"When I was about 7 or 8 years old, I was masturbated by an uncle. He gave me a dollar to "not tell." I never did. I began having sex at age 13 and was quite promiscuous. I believe I've had about 50 sexual partners, but only 6 or 7 of those in the past 10 or 12 years. I now realize that my behavior probably has something to do with the experience. I've learned to forgive, and to realize that people are better than their worst moments." female age 33
"I can't imagine a single situation in which rushing out and boning the first willing, semi-attractive person with a pulse is a good idea to help you overcome an unfortunate sexual encounter." female age 18
"Relax and take your time. My fiancee & I weren't exacting rockin' the first few times. I needed to build trust and security, and then I could relax and truly enjoy myself." female age 30
"When I was 6- to 8-years-old, my best friend's dad molested me. He would make me give him oral sex, and touch him, and he'd touch me.... I try not to make too big of a deal about it. I have good relationships with women and like to think I am a relatively emotionally stable person. You can't let yourself be a victim. However, I still have frequent dreams about him abusing me, and sometimes I have sex fantasies about him as well. These disturb me because he abused me. I was so young that I think I repressed most of the negative thoughts. All I can remember are the way things felt." male age 21