Rape Fantasy or Pseudo Rape Fantasy?
I recently read Matt Hutson's excellent post on the Psychology Today Blogs, Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies? It got me thinking more about rape fantasies, and why I don't think there's any such thing. That's because when we talk about rape fantasies, we don't define our terms.
If you ask most women who have rape fantasies to describe the man who is "raping" them, you'll find he's not exactly what we picture when we think about the average rapist, unless the guy has been spending six hours a day in the prison weight room or reads Shakespeare to Bubba his cellmate.
Look at the buffed out dude on the book cover that was included to illustrate Matt's Why Do Women Have Erotic Rape Fantasies post. We're talking a serious bodice-ripping hunk. I don't think that's the image that emerges when police or emergency room personnel ask victims of rape to describe the man who just raped them.
The fact is, the guy who is doing the "raping" in a lot of women's fantasies of forced sex is someone who she might want to have sex with anyway. Missing is the real-life terror, violence, confusion, rage and disgust that makes rape RAPE. The woman with the fantasy is in control by virtue of who she has "raping" her or because she's the one scripting the scenerio, while control is the last thing that a woman who is being raped has any of.
Even if the woman's rape fantasy really does involve her being degraded and humiliated by an anonymous agressor or gang of gross guys with missing front teeth, her fantasy doesn't make her fear men in real life like an acutal rape often does. It doesn't make her afraid to go out of doors.
Even if her fantasy is a way of processing something overwhelming from her past, we would never suggest she walk alone at night in dangerous places to get a firsthand opportunity to enjoy her fantasy. And even if the depth psychologists would say that she really is being raped in one part of her mind, they still can't get around the caveat that another part of her mind remains in control.
Of course, I'm side-stepping what might be the various cultural, religious and perhaps biological reasons for why so many women have sexual fantasies where they are "taken" by a man instead of being the taker. But unless you are a radical feminist, I think you can see that there's a significant difference between that and the realities of an actual rape.
So, is it really rape we are talking about when we say a woman has rape fantasies? I don't think so. I would suggest that for most women, "Erotic Rape Fantasy" is a contradiction in terms.
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
I have been raped before, and it was the worst experience of my life, however since my husband has 'pretend raped me' i.e. just been really forcefull and dominating, pretending he is doing it against my will, i have enjoyed it. a rape fantasy is totally different to being raped, with the fantasy you know you are safe and secure. its like the difference between a rollercoaster ride and a train wreck.
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
I have rape fantasies, and they don't seem to fit into any of these categories. I have been sexually assaulted multiple times in the past, and my rape fantasies were not present until after these assaults. I completely agree that there is a difference between the self doing the fantasizing and the "fantasy self." In these scenarios, my "fantasy self" is raped by someone disgusting or by someone I absolutely hate. During the act, a man I am sexually attracted to then enters the scene and saves the day.I believe that this can be interpreted as me wishing to be saved. When I was raped in the past, no one came to save me, and this has caused me a lot of pain. These fantasies are me playing out the scene again and allowing myself to be this damsel in distress. However, in my fantasy, my knight actually shows up. I guess it also shows that I take pleasure in being sexually vulnerable in the eyes of men I'm attracted to. However, this is not to say that I want to be raped again!!
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
I'm 25, I've had these fantasies for the majority of my life, and I've found a way to live them out without actually being raped. I have an 'erotic rape fetish' but I think it would be better described as a marital rape fetish.
My fiance knows that he can do anything he wants to me. I genuinely enjoy suffering at his hands, for his pleasure. I hate being scared and being hurt, and being beaten if I fight or say no, but I am fulfilled by what I hate.
I guess it's different from a fantasy because it's something I'm actually living, but I think that it's possible to genuinely surrender control, even if you choose the person you surrender control to.
I guess these days people would think I'm absolutely nuts, but not too long ago a married woman was the property of her husband, and even if it wasn't legally rape I'm sure there were many women who felt violated by forced sex. The only difference between them and me is that I choose to stay and they had no choice.
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
This does not apply to me, and I am a woman with rape fantasies. I think there is such a thing as a true "rape fantasy," and that is what I have. However, I would not consider myself mentally healthy.
My rape fantasies involve scenes of violent and degrading sex torture committed by men who disgust me, like an overweight and dirty old man, or a socially awkward and unattractive geek who masterminded a plan to imprison me and torture me with strange machines.
For me, there is a strong humiliation-pleasure connection. My own fantasies disturb me and give me fear, but they are the only thing that works for me sexually. I can't get off without them.
And, um, I'm in therapy right now trying to deal with this, but just wanted to state my piece.
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
You just described my rape fantasies perfectly and my mixed emotions about having them. I too fantasize about men who disgust me degrading and hurting me, although also stimulating me against my will. These men are ugly, old, crude or in some other way inappropriate. I do not fantasize about good looking men raping me. But I have very mixed and guilty feelings about my fantasies. I view a lot violent pornography that I think most men would be very surprised that a woman would watch. Conversely, a very odd thing happens to me when i see a rape scene in a mainstream movie. At first I feel very sick and even angry that it's being viewed by an audience in a normal way like in a movie theater. Then later I use it as source material for my fantasies. I consider myself a feminist and I have a love/hate relationship with my fantasies. But like you, it is one of the only ways I can orgasm. when I was in my 20's I tried to talk to a therapist about the fantasies and all she would say is "oh that's perfectly normal" and I felt pretty let down by that. Something may be normal but if it causes you emotional guilt, it should be addressed. I later remembered that I had been involved in some sex play with a female friend at age 12 after looking at violent pictures in Hustler and other magazines her father owned. I remembered her telling me that "sex is something men do to women" and then her holding me down and acting out what only a 12 year old could guess sex was - most just rubbing her body against me. Anyway, I just wanted to lend my support to you in case you thought you were the only one.
Reader Comments from the Psychology Today Blogs
I very much like the assertion you make about why these fantasies are not really rape: because the woman is in control and feels no fear. However, I think that your argument ends there. Most rape does not occur by a gang of grease monkeys with missing front teeth - unless that is of course the company you keep; 85% of rape is committed by people the woman knows. Doctors, lawyers, students, accountants, professors, teachers, repairmen, software designers and yep, serious bodice-ripping hunks. It is also unlikely that a bodice-ripping hunk rapist would have gotten their muscles from lifting weights in jail or that they learned Shakespeare in a cell with bubba - only 6% of rapists ever see jail time. If a woman is fanaticizing about her co-worker raping her it is a more accurate depiction of a rapist than a sleazy gangster from an alley.
